Brits don’t do grief well: all the more reason to embrace All Souls’ Day

I was asked the question: What would I say to a person who has lost a loved one suddenly or in tragic circumstances? What would I say?

At the beginning, I’d try not to say too much at all. Initially, when someone is struggling to come to terms with what has happened, experiencing the searing pain of raw grief, they don’t want to be bombarded with words. It can be better simply to be there. The best thing we can offer is our quiet, unobtrusive presence, letting them know that we care, that we are there for them when they need it, that we’re praying for them.

But then, absolutely, there are things we can, and should, say. Generally speaking, the British don’t do grief well. They want to do the right thing. But they don’t know what to do, what to say.

Out of embarrassment, they tend to stay away and keep silent. That’s not good. Of course, we don’t say things which are untrue just to try to make someone feel better. There’s no need to do that. We can speak the truth, with confidence and hope, because we can share the words of Jesus, the one who knows the truth about what lies beyond the mysterious gates of death.

We can, and we should, with absolute conviction let the grieving family know that the death of their loved one is not the end. There is survival beyond death. And that’s not just a religious thing. It’s the truth about the human condition.

What happens at earthly death is the separation for the moment of the two things which make up the human being. It’s the body which grows old, gets sick and dies. That’s an inevitable physical process. But the body isn’t the sum total of the human being. More important is the soul, the mind, the personality, call it what you will.

It’s the part of us which is about loving, being creative, taking free decisions. That part of us isn’t physical. It isn’t subject to physical decay and death. By definition, there is survival.

We need religion, faith, to understand what the survival is about, how to get there. The prophet Isaiah describes the future God intends for us as a banquet. It is about the end of want, it is about being satisfied with good things, it is about company and fellowship.

It is about perfection – which is where we hit a problem. We’re conscious we’re not perfect. If we entered that state we call heaven, we’d risk making it no longer perfection. It wouldn’t be heaven any more.

What’s to be done? “Come to Me,” Jesus says. “Come to Me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.” We can’t attain heaven, we can’t achieve perfection, by ourselves. To attain heaven we need a bridge, a mediator between heaven and earth, the God-man, Jesus Christ.

That’s precisely why He came into the world – to give us life, to deal with anything which prevents us achieving heaven. What St Paul says: “We were still helpless when at His appointed moment Christ died for sinful men.” On the Cross, He overcame death and evil; in the Resurrection He offers us eternal life. And, at the end of time, our bodies will raised as well – to be once again whole human beings.

Jesus invites us to come to Him to receive the benefits of His death and Resurrection. “Shoulder My yoke and learn from Me,” He says. Let’s do this together. And He reassures us: “I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” That’s something to be undertaken during our life on earth.

The liturgy reminds us that death, as painful as it is to those who grieve, is not a definitive end. We look forward to being reunited. “We believe that all the ties of friendship and affection which knit as one throughout our lives do not unravel with death.” There are things we can do here and now for our beloved dead who’ve gone before us into eternity.

The Holy Souls are those who sought to do God’s Will, who want to be with Him, but who died less than perfect. Probably the great majority of us. There are still things to be forgiven. And so the Holy Souls are being prepared, purified, for heaven – what we call Purgatory.

Just as we can, and should, help those in need in this world, so we can also help the Holy Souls. We can speed them on their way with our prayers. Most importantly of all, we can have Mass offered for them. Because the Mass is more than our own prayer, it is the great prayer of Jesus Himself on the Cross, reconciling us to God.

When the Mass is offered for someone, the heavenly Father recalls the wondrous love of Jesus at Calvary and applies part of His infinite merit for the benefit of the person for whom Mass is being said. Having Mass said for someone, particularly those who have died, is an act of incredibly love. That’s what I would say to someone who is grieving. We hope for our dead and we can help our beloved dead.

On All Souls’ Day, Mass is offered for all the Holy Souls. We can bring to mind the particular people for whom we wish to pray, bring them to the Father in union with Jesus – and we take courage and comfort from doing so.

“Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord.
And may perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace.”

Photo: On the eve of All Souls Day, the parish of Our Lady and St Benedict’s, Ampleforth, Yorkshire, commemorates in traditional manner its dead parishioners and all others buried in its graveyard, placing lighted candles on each of the graves. At Mass on All Souls’ Day, the parish prays for these loved ones (file photo).

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