‘Things have changed since Mum died. What’s wrong with me?’ One of the Herald’s chaplains offers advice

Concerned Catholic: My mother and I were very close. As the unmarried daughter living nearby, I saw most of her during her old age. We went to Mass together each Sunday and often during the week as well. She died a peaceful death; the funeral was very beautiful. Subsequently, things have changed. I feel so empty. I don’t feel anything when I attend Mass now. I am not sure that I believe my mother is enjoying eternal life. I am not sure whether I believe any of it. Was it just my mother’s faith? What is wrong with me?

Chaplain: Nothing is wrong with you. You loved your mother very much. The two of you were clearly very close. Death is very painful – and often felt particularly keenly at this time of year. We can no longer speak to, see, or touch someone as we did before. Grief is the natural response to this. It takes different forms and come at different times, but, as you know only too well, it is very real.

Be patient with yourself. When you are ready, talk to other people, especially those who have lost loved ones themselves: about your mother, about your relationship with her, about your experience now. Talk to God as well, in your own words. Don’t just say the pious, conventional things you think He will expect you to say. Tell Him about your emptiness, your difficulties in believing – your anger with Him, if that is what you feel. God loves you and He wants you to be honest with Him. He can and He will help.

Catholics hurt and feel like other people. Yet our faith speaks into situations like this. Remember the prayer which the priest probably said at your mother’s funeral Mass: “Lord, for Your faithful, life is changed, not ended.” Your mother did not cease to exist when she departed this world. What happens at earthly death is the separation for the moment of the two things which constitute the human person: body and soul, mind and matter. It was your mother’s body which grew old and died. God did not want her to suffer indefinitely. However, her mind, her love, her personality – the more important dimension of her – is something spiritual. By definition, it is not subject to material decay and death. There is survival – and we believe that, at the end of time, the soul is reunited with a risen, glorified body. You can hope to see your mother again.

This not simply a whistling in the wind to comfort ourselves at moments like this. Our faith is based on the historical, physical Resurrection of Jesus Christ: His promise of eternal life to those who believe in Him. Jesus loves your mother very much. He died and rose again to deal with anything which might separate her from the love of God, or from the hope of heaven.

Don’t blame yourself for what you are feeling – or not feeling – now. Perhaps you can take up the Scripture readings from your mother’s funeral and the other readings the Church recommends for funerals. Take them one at a time, read them slowly and carefully, return to them. Hear the Lord speaking to you.

You will see that your experience is not so different from those in the Gospels who grieved at the death of Jesus. Mary Magdalene had loved Our Lord very much. She could do nothing other than weep at the tomb after His death and burial. Life seemed to hold nothing for her anymore. Then Jesus spoke to her by name; He entrusted her with a mission to share the good news of the Resurrection with others. Think of the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, that first Easter Sunday. They failed to recognise the Risen Lord; their faces were downcast, all their hopes seemed to have been dashed. In His own time, the Lord came alongside them and explained to them what had happened.

Your situation is very similar to that of the first disciples and believers down the centuries. They grieved the loss of a loved one. They were consoled by the Risen Lord – but not without first having experienced that searing pain, that dulling emptiness. We can learn from those two disciples on the road to Emmaus. They found the Risen Lord in Scripture and in the Eucharist. Nowhere on this earth are we closer to the Lord, and to the faithful departed, than at the celebration of Mass. Don’t stop going to church – even if you don’t feel anything at the moment. Whether we feel it or not, the Risen Lord is there, as He was for the first disciples. At Mass you will remain closer to your mother than anywhere else on earth.

Continue to talk to your mother. Thank her for her love and for the gift of faith she passed on to you. Pray for her; talk to your parish priest and ask him to say Mass for her. May God bless you both.

The post ‘Things have changed since Mum died. What’s wrong with me?’ One of the Herald’s chaplains offers advice first appeared on Catholic Herald.

The post ‘Things have changed since Mum died. What’s wrong with me?’ One of the Herald’s chaplains offers advice appeared first on Catholic Herald.