Where the Marriage Debt Meets the Cross

Sex is a profound gift given to married couples. It is both unitive in drawing couples into the depths of their sacramental union and, according to God’s will, it is procreative in bringing children into his world. As great of a gift as this is for married couples, it is not always guaranteed, and in fact, many couples live with long periods of sustained or regulated abstinence due to illness, separation, aging, and a whole host of other reasons. The freedom of sex that was available in the beginning of a marriage often wanes as family life and difficulties emerge. This can be very hard on couples, but it is an opportunity to grow deeper in love by learning how to carry and embrace the Cross together.

When I read articles by Catholics about the marriage debt, I always end up feeling like something is missing from the articles. They seem to always be written by people who have not dealt with serious illness, repeated miscarriages or infertility, separation, sick parents, and other issues. Sex is simply not guaranteed all the time in marriage. There are many unforeseen circumstances that arise that can deeply impact a couples’ sex life.

It sets young couples up for failure if they have worldly expectations about their sex lives. We often seem to have rather secular expectations of sex that we wrap up in married life because as Catholics it is reserved for married couples. It is important that we balance expectations and desires with reality.

We live in a fallen world where spouses, children, and parents get sick. The demands of life can get in the way at times. Some spouses deploy or are gone for extended periods of time for their jobs. The Lord does not promise us that sex is always guaranteed in our marriages whenever we want. The only thing the Lord promises us in this life is the cross. It is the only path to heaven.

This secular mentality within the Church is harmful because many of these authors argue about the necessity of the marriage debt without balancing it with the realities of living in a fallen world. It creates harmful expectations that can damage marriages. Sex is not the ultimate good. God is the ultimate good. Sex is not the ultimate litmus test of the health or the sanctity of a marriage. The couples’ cooperation with grace and their union with Christ are that gauge. The witnesses to this reality are the countless couples who must live with prolonged or temporary periods of abstinence who have a profound love for Christ and one another that could not have come about any other way.

Couples preparing for marriage are often not told that marriage is difficult and that it will require tremendous sacrifice and hard work. It is a vocation. All vocations are ultimately a Way of the Cross in union with Christ. Each couple will have periods of joy, and they will have periods of immense suffering and affliction. Trial and testing will be a part of daily life. This suffering impacts the sex lives of married couples, and this should be expected.

Couples need to work together to avoid indifference or prioritizing inconsequential things over their sex lives. This indifference is deeply harmful to couples. There is a level of learning how to die-to-self within this aspect of marriage. This is especially true for women because our sex drive decreases rapidly with age. We must learn to sacrifice when it doesn’t come as easy. Men need to look at the struggles and sufferings of their wives and grow in compassion. Our identity is not our sex life; it is in Christ alone.

There are countless couples who are not battling wrong priorities but are instead dealing with tremendous hardships. There are many Catholic couples who spend long periods of their marriages utilizing Natural Family Planning or who experience long periods of abstinence. These couples experience trial, testing, and purification throughout these periods. Are these marriages somehow not as successful, healthy, or holy? The answer is no. They have been invited into intimate union with Christ Crucified.

While sex is a holy gift to married couples, it is not the highest gift. Each couple is called to more intimate union with Christ, which is the highest good. It is during these periods of sustained or regulated abstinence when couples are led deeper into spiritual goods. They are taught how to love their spouse for their own sake without expecting anything in return. This is a deeply painful refining process because it is good to desire one’s spouse, but sex very easily becomes a false idol within marriages when we wrongly believe that we should never have to go without it.

The truth is, every single married couple will reach a point in their marriage when sex will go away entirely. Illness, old age, and injury will get to such a point that couples are no longer able to engage in the marital embrace. This is in preparation for heaven. There is no marriage in heaven, which means there is no sex in heaven. Marriage is an image of the love of Christ for the Church and the love of the Most Holy Trinity, but it is only an image.

Marriage is the path by which we learn how to love Christ above all else. Our spouse guides us to Him. In heaven we will all be one with Him. We will be forever united to our eternal Bridegroom at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb with the communion of saints. He is our end. This means that all the worldly attachments we had in this life—including sex—must give way to life in heaven. We must die to all the goods of this world eventually.

Couples who have experienced prolong periods of abstinence due to medical issues, separation, or injury know what it is to struggle through this period of refinement and death to self. It is very hard. It can put a strain on a marriage, but over time, the Lord begins to transform the hearts of the couple. Bit-by-bit, their love deepens because it is being transformed through the life-giving power of the Cross. This is the love we are called to: a love that places no expectations on the other and simply seeks to give without counting the cost.

It is not a couples’ sex life that defines how healthy or holy their marriage is; rather, it is how much they have learned to embrace the Cross together. It is how they have learned to endure crucifixion together and come out of it with a deeper love for Christ and one another. We learn to love our spouse when we love them without expecting anything in return. We love them completely when we give without counting the cost. This is how Christ loves us from the Cross. It is the same love He calls each one of us to live.

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