Humility and Receptivity Needed in Catholic Dating
After writing an article last month for Catholic Exchange called “Love at First Sight? Lessons From the Saints,” I received a beautiful message from a subscriber pointing out an oversight in the discussion. In that piece, I strongly challenged Catholic men to take the initiative and be bold in pursuing women with virtue. The reader wrote:
I really liked your article “Love at First Sight” on Catholic Exchange. However, I think one thing not mentioned in the article is the challenges in today’s world for marriage in general and for the Church as well. Many Catholic women have been impacted by feminism and the #MeToo movement, which has created challenges for men trying to lead and live out their masculinity—often causing them to be demonized or labeled. Meanwhile, men who experience rejection retreat into the manosphere, which not only sees marriage but women themselves as a danger.
I agree with these observations. While I did mention the reality that some women are taking dating into their own hands by pursuing men, my intention was to challenge men rather than call out women. And yet, I do believe feminism has profoundly impacted the Catholic dating world, because sadly it has seeped into the Catholic Church.
More and more women are pursuing men—some out of necessity, due to the very reasons I addressed in my previous article (because men aren’t pursuing). Others, though, are placing careers above children and/or are only open to relationships and marriage on their own terms, terms that don’t align with the teachings of the Church. Pride—manifested through control—lies at the heart of this shift: It’s my body. It’s my life. No man (or institution) can tell me what to do.
Even on the most orthodox campuses, such as Franciscan University of Steubenville—where I attended graduate school and met my wife—there were women who felt that getting married right out of college would be a waste of a degree. Perhaps there was pressure from parents. Still, I knew many women who were focused solely on academics or were uninterested in dating altogether. One woman I met made clear the limit on the number of children she wanted. Such a comment may even sound normal to our ears, but it reflects an attitude of control improper to our lives as Catholics.
My sister-in-law experienced this family-versus-career tension so common to women today. While studying to become a chiropractor, she became engaged to my brother. After graduating, she began to wonder how she could balance a career and family life. After speaking with a devout Catholic mother of many children, she realized that her career could wait—but children could not. My brother and sister-in-law are now blessed with eight children. Though my sister-in-law has recently begun working a few days a week after an 18-year hiatus, she has never regretted sacrificing her career for her children.
In her recent release, Something Wicked: Why Feminism Can’t Be Fused With Christianity, Dr. Carrie Gress emphasizes the backwards priorities so often professed by our culture today. More often, we hear that children can wait, while careers can’t, despite this being an obvious biological falsehood. Gress explains:
Worshipping at the altar of female autonomy, feminism prioritizes achievements in the workplace, often at the expense of children’s well-being. In the feminist view of reality, work is the sacred rite through which salvation and wholeness are attained. (103)
If you were to ask most middle-school girls what they want to be when they grow up, I doubt many would answer, “mother.” Most would say doctor, lawyer, nurse, or teacher. Hollywood doesn’t help, of course. Films teach women to pursue fame, riches, and careers; to sleep around or to play hard to get. They lie to women by telling them abortion is empowering. In fact, many celebrities have publicly praised their abortions as the reason for their success. This diabolical messaging continues to shape the minds of young girls.
Feminism’s agenda is no longer hidden. Its influence continues to spread through secular culture and even into the Church. We see the rise of the matriarchy—women seeking to dominate men, to compete with men in every arena, and now even to become men. Within the Church, some continue to push for women’s ordination, encourage their daughters to be altar servers (historically intended as preparation for the priesthood), and the list goes on. Many laity sometimes wonder who runs the parish: the priest or his secretary?
Faced with the toxic byproducts of feminism, what, then, is the solution to stopping further distortion in the Catholic dating world? It is humility, which unshackles the chains of autonomy, domination, and pride. It is following the example of the greatest woman of humility who ever lived: Our Lady.
In my latest book, Humility of the Saints: The Litany of Humility Made Flesh, I highlight fifty-five saints and future saints who lived humility through surrendering control to God—none more perfectly than Our Lady. She did not chase after St. Joseph, nor did she put the Archangel Gabriel on hold to pursue her own plans. Instead, Mary descended ever more deeply into humility by allowing St. Joseph to lead their family and by serving Jesus in every moment. Her greatest calling was to be the mother of Jesus, not a career woman. Above all, she humbly received the gift of God and magnified the Lord in all things. What a model for women seeking a spouse.
Catholic single men must be courageous in these times—stepping out in faith and living lives of purity. Catholic single women must be aware of the dangers of feminism, which have created a false belief system, especially as it pertains to dating and one’s future vocation. As a result, many must relearn surrender, receiving love, not by grasping, but by imitating the humility of Our Lady. At the same time, Catholic men must also resist the culture of radical feminism in which we live.
Ultimately, those desiring a holy marriage must pray for (and seek) a spouse who emboldens and enables you to fulfill the roles and gifts the Lord has bestowed on you. For the men, to pursue with the heart of St. Joseph, and for the women, to receive with the heart of Mary. When these two paths align, Christ can truly be born in a relationship. For, in the end, even feminism is no match for humility.
Author’s Note: Check out my latest book, Humility of the Saints: The Litany of Humility Made Flesh, available from Sophia Institute Press.
Photo by Danny Lines on Unsplash
