What Helps Us Choose Between Two Goods?
There are many times in our lives when we must make decisions between competing goods. These decisions are much harder because there is not the black-and-white good-versus-evil dichotomy which renders the decision clear and easy. Instead, we must prayerfully discern God’s will and where He is calling us. We must seek to be obedient to His will even if we don’t fully understand why He is calling us to one good over another.
I found myself in this position recently. I had to spend months prayerfully discerning between two goods: being at home full-time with my daughter and serving in campus ministry. These two goods were beginning to rub up against one another, causing greater and greater friction. Coupled with a year of death, emergencies, and health issues, the tension became too great, and my family began to suffer. As difficult as the decision was for me to make, I had to choose to resign from campus ministry at the end of this semester.
The issue was not that the ministry was not working out or bearing fruit. During my time, I have seen multiple students experience deeper conversions and witnessed a foundation being laid in a ministry that had very nearly died out. (Quite literally, one student kept it going during COVID.) Even though this ministry is a total uphill climb, I love my students. And my daughter loves the students, too; however, it was becoming clear that things were suffering at home. I knew that I needed to die-to-self and resign for now.
I don’t fully understand God’s plan in all of this. He seems to send me in for short bursts of very intense ministry activity—a year or two, often during a crisis—and then, when the dust settles or a major change occurs, He pulls me back out again. What I do know for certain is that this is God’s will. He is asking me to crucify my desires for the good of my primary vocation.
Bishop Erik Varden in his brilliant book Entering the Twofold Mystery states:
By obeying what I understand to be God’s will, I acknowledge that my life depends on God; that he has made me, knows what is good for me, and would have me live in intimate union with himself. To obey him is to be established in an ecstatic relation, as I look to God for the fulfilment of my deepest longing.
My role in all of this is to obey what I understand to be God’s will. I don’t have to fully understand it or understand where He is leading me. I don’t know, but I can trust that He knows what is best for me, my family, the students I minister to, and the chaplain I serve with in His ultimate plan.
This obedience also teaches humility. The ministry is not dependent on me. It depends on God. There are many God-gifted people who can take my place, and I am praying for my replacement right now. The Lord used me in the measure He ordained from all eternity. My role is to humbly accept the time He allotted to me and go where He calls me to go.
Months ago, I was struck by this quote from Bishop Varden’s book. He reminds us:
Who knows whether our part is to thrive or simply to maintain a delicate continuity; to breathe on embers that will only burst into flame when we are gone, to warm and delight future generations we will not know? If the Lord gives fat years, let us praise him. If the years ahead are lean, let us praise him. Our task is to be faithful, truthful, trustful, joyful. What his task is, he knows best.
When we are given a mission or task from the Lord, we do not know at the time how long He will utilize us. All we know is that we are called to be faithful. He assigned this task to me when a priest was in crisis with a brand-new cancer diagnosis. The ministry had been without a coordinator for nearly a year. The priest is thankfully doing well but was unable to return. I had to be a stabilizing force for the students and the ministry during that time, until the new chaplain came and helped me lay a foundation with the students. Now the ministry is ready to grow.
At the same time, it became clear that my family needs me at home for this season of life. My daughter will be an adult in 3.5 years. In the blink of an eye, my primary role of taking care of her will come to an end. I am unable to have any more children, and our other five children are with the Lord. I won’t get these years back, so I need to dedicate this time to my daughter.
The Lord is calling me back into the home for two reasons: (1) because my family needs my full attention and care and (2) because He has made me primarily to be a Mary, not a Martha. We live in a Martha world, but many of us have been given the souls of Mary. I feel this tension keenly when I am called out into very active ministry roles.
The Lord uses me primarily in an intercessory role. This would explain the short-term missions because there is much I am entrusted with in prayer that needs attention—attention I cannot give when I am serving my family and in active ministry. In the rhythm of family life, I am able to give a lot more time to prayer.
The keys to choosing between two goods is obedience to God’s will over our own and humility. We must accept that others can and will take our place in accordance with God’s designs, and we must submit to what He is asking of each one of us. He knows what will make us a saint. Dying-to-self produces more fruit and spiritual growth than getting things the way we want them all the time.
As we enter the Lenten season, may we humbly seek God’s will for our lives and embrace His will over our own even when what we desire is good. We can trust that Our Loving Savior knows best and that He will provide what is needed at those times when He asks us to walk away from a particular good.
Photo by Robert Anasch on Unsplash
