Love at First Sight? Lessons From the Saints

At Thanksgiving, I spoke with my friend’s sister, and our conversation turned to the shortcomings of the Catholic dating world. She is a beautiful Catholic woman in her mid-thirties who longs for marriage and a family. She is highly successful professionally and comes from a strong, faithful family. Yet she is deeply frustrated. The men she encounters lack intentionality and a sense of urgency. Many fear commitment and, perhaps even more, fear rejection.

While they wait, her biological clock keeps ticking. And in that waiting, the devil whispers lies: Just settle. Don’t be so picky.

Though a few of my friends have had great success with dating apps, not everyone feels called to find a spouse online. In an ideal world, one might have known their spouse from youth—families were friends, values aligned, faith shared, and parish life was the center of community. Technology changed everything, and not always for the better. That ideal world no longer exists; the fallen world is our reality.

This fallen world has complicated the pursuit of marriage. In many young-adult Catholic groups, men become comfortable. They have stable jobs, weekly adoration, and social outings. They enjoy the safety of the “friend group” and do not want to disrupt the dynamic. As a result, some become little boys trapped in men’s bodies—comfortable bachelors year after year. Meanwhile, many women are waiting and praying for just one noble man to step forward.

I once gave a retreat for single adults in New York. During that retreat, I shared advice my spiritual director once gave me bluntly: “You have balls. Use them.” He was not encouraging immorality. He was calling me to manhood. Inscribed in every man’s body is the role of initiator. Men are meant to lead. We should not expect women to pursue us. In fact, most men should instinctively recoil from that dynamic, as it often signals a future marriage where roles are inverted and leadership is absent.

Beyond fear of commitment and rejection, another false ideal keeps people from meeting their spouse: the belief in love at first sight. Many men and women today have had their understanding of beauty distorted by pornography and unrealistic expectations. Yes, attraction matters, but it is the icing on the cake, as Venerable Fulton Sheen declared. True attraction goes deeper than appearances; it reaches the heart and is rooted in virtue.

For instance, in the life of St. Gianna Molla and her husband Pietro, there were no sparks at first sight. They met each other a few times on brief occasions. Some years later, when God’s timing was right, they fell more deeply in love. The same thing also happened to Venerable Vittorio and Rosalia Trancanelli. Vittorio was in love with Rosalia right away, but Rosalia was not. Love often takes time.

With that said, there are in fact instances of “love at first sight.” In my two books, Parents of the Saints and Courtship of the Saints, I share the incredible meeting of St. Thérèse’s parents: Sts. Louis and Zélie Martin.

As Zélie Guérin was crossing the bridge of St. Leonard in Alençon, France, on what seemed like an ordinary day, she heard an interior voice say, “That is he whom I have prepared for you” as she passed the brawny, noble-faced, and contemplative-mannered Louis Martin. The twenty-six-year-old Zélie’s heart began to beat with excitement upon seeing Louis, even though no words were exchanged. After this brief encounter, Zélie longed to see him again. Although he was a comfortable bachelor at the age of thirty-four, Louis noticed something special about the dark-eyed brunette. Louis confided to his mother that he wanted to formally meet her and not just gaze at her from a distance. There was a mutual attraction, which, according to Pope St. John Paul II, “is of the essence of love and in some sense is indeed love, although love is not merely attraction.” Unbeknownst to Louis, his mother had met Zélie a few times before at a lace-making class and was so impressed by Zélie that she had secretly prayed that Louis would someday marry her. (63)

While this holy encounter included love at first sight and a miraculous locution (which is rare), Louis’s mother had prepared the way by her prayers. Louis quickly stepped outside of his comfort zone and pursued Zélie in person. Indeed, the saints have much to teach us about love, for after all, they were the greatest lovers. Their stories are better than any romance novel, love song, or Hollywood movie, for Christ was always at the center.

In an age when fewer people are getting married, more people are delaying marriage, and others are frustrated that they cannot find a virtuous, Catholic spouse, we ought to look to the saints to cultivate a properly ordered and holy approach to seeking a spouse. Reading the lives of the saints offers more sound advice than listening to some secular “expert” tell you how you should find the love of your life. Someday I pray my friend’s sister will meet a man who has the courage of the saints to pursue her!

Author’s Note: Join Catholic author Patrick O’Hearn and priest Fr. Michael Carlson on a pilgrimage in the footsteps of St. Thérèse to France from May 5 to May 13. They will walk the bridge in Alencon, where Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin locked eyes for the first time, and visit Lourdes, Paris, Alencon, Lisieux, and Chartres. They need 10 more pilgrims to register by February to make this trip possible. Sign up here!

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash